18 months

" Do not judge. You do not know 
what storm I have asked her to walk through."

    The other day I was driving through Mt.Lehman to pick up Boston from school. It was a beautiful day and the sun was shining through my windows and a song came on the radio. As it started up, I heard it and instantly it shot me back to a year ago. It was a song I had on repeat over and over again. It helped me get through the darkest of dark days. 

Tell your heart to beat againClose your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
You’ll live to love another day
Yesterday’s a closing door
And you don’t live there anymore
So say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again.

And when I heard the song belt out, it was like I didn't remember myself then. I was buried deep in such a heavy fog, in so many hurts and disappointments I couldn't remember the 'me" I used to be. 

It was heart ache after heart ache. It started with my parents separating after 35 years of marriage. Going through a divorce as a child, would be impossible. But going through divorce as a adult is different. You see things differently. It rattled me to my core. But I kept moving, because I had 3 kids and a husband and life was busy. I shoved it down, and kept walking. 

Then blow number two came with the loss of a pregnancy. I can't sit here and type that I know what its like to lose a child, or a full term baby. But the loss of that pregnancy really did something for me. It gave me a perspective and a window into something I knew nothing about. You see, I got pregnant relatively easily, and although my pregnancies weren't entirely easy, I really didn't have to much to complain about. Loosing that baby was hard, it paralyzed me in fear. Fear of a healthy pregnancy, worry every single day I was pregnant and the constant ache to just have the baby out already so I could have him or her in my arms. 

Then the final straw came when we had to sell our property. See it was our dream to live beside our parents. To work the property together, to help each other out. To watch my parents go away on vacations and enjoy life. I loved having my mom stop in for coffees and my dad pop by to say hi to the boys. I loved that Brian single handedly spent hours and hours creating our vision in that house. It was perfect, and he did it. 

So when I drove home and saw that for sale sign in front of our house it stung. I felt like an addition to such a never-ending year of disappointments. 2016? You could be forever out of my memory and that would be fantastic. 

So in September of 2016  we packed up and moved away from our little house we loved so much. We moved into a new house in mission and adjusted into "new life" A life where family looks different, where are dreams changed and where we weren't really sure what to expect from life. And in those 6 months we were carried. OH, have we been carried. By friends/family, who listened to us pour our hearts out, who made us coffee ( amazing coffee that is!) who heard us talk about real estate, and houses, and houses that we didn't want and why. Our village of friends and family is like no other and we are so very thankful. 

And then the clouds parted..... and there was light. 
We found a property. We had been to this property a couple times and went back and forth about how we felt about it. We loved the location, but the house was hard, and needed a big reno. And it was SMALL, 1100sq ft small. But all our answers to our prayers came true and the hurdels were overcome and the property is ours. Its placed perfectly by the school and we can actually walk the boys to school which is a DREAM come true. We are also right by the river, which is amazing for Brian as he can take the boys fishing. And in 5 or so years, we have plans to build another house and rent out the small one. Those are the plans, but we just want to be content. Live with less. Enjoy the property, have some chickens and a garden and let the boys be, outside. Doing what they do best. 

So yes, 2016 you were not my favourite. But I have high hopes now for 2017/2018 and can't wait to start the process of the renos on this little farm house. Wish us luck! 


Popular Posts